Dear Therapist: My Boyfriend Has a Lot of Debt, And I Am Not Sure if I Should Marry Him

The Letter

Dear Therapist,

I recently found out that my boyfriend has a lot of debt, as we have been considering marriage and potentially building a life together. I love him, but it stresses me out that he has $60,000 in credit card debt that has accumulated partly from just spending money and partly from circumstances.

It makes me question his judgment and makes me anxious about signing up for this. We have been together for a few years, and I learned this recently as we have been thinking about marriage, this makes me question his judgment around finances.

Part of me feels like this is a sign that I should not get married to him. Or is there a way for us to work through this?

My Response

Financial responsibility is important to you, and it can be very easy to fall into the trap of evaluating his character, which can sometimes become a way of not truly addressing the issue at hand, and just lead to resentment.

You have been together for a few years, and it sounds like the two of you have not discussed finances in much depth until recently. It might be useful to become more transparent with each other about finances, as well as your concerns and limits around financial issues. These conversations can be difficult, especially when there are different expectations or values around money. When we encounter these differences, we often try to move away from them rather than navigate them honestly.

I think it might be useful to discuss your limits and concerns with him and see what comes from that conversation. I also have a few questions: Was he aware that this would concern you? Did he hide the debt from you? Had you actively asked him about his finances before? There is a difference between intentionally hiding something and simply never having had the conversation.

I think transparency here can be an opportunity to work on your relationship and see what emerges as you both navigate your differences. It may not only be whether his debt is a signal you shouldn't marry him, but also whether the two of you can honestly address a major difference, tolerate the discomfort that comes with it, and decide what each of you is and isn't willing to live with.