Dear Therapist: We keep arguing about what is true and whether we're spending enough time together.

The Letter

Dear Therapist,

My wife says I don't make enough time for her. I disagree. We spend most evenings together, have dinner, and watch TV. She says she feels disconnected, while I feel like she overlooks the time we already spend together. We keep arguing about what is true and whether we're spending enough time together. How do we move forward when we experience the same relationship so differently?

My Response

We often get stuck arguing about what happened and whose version of reality is correct. But it is probably more useful to focus less on having an argument about what is true and more on what this experience means.

Two people can experience the same situation very differently. Rather than getting caught up in establishing whose account is accurate, becoming curious about what the experience means to each person can open the door to deeper understanding and more depth.