Dear Therapist: My Fiancé Hid Something About Our Finances

The Letter

Dear Therapist,

My fiancé and I are getting married next year and saving for a house. I recently discovered that for the past two years, he's been secretly sending a significant amount of money to his family.

I'm not upset that he helps them. What hurts is that he hid it while we were making financial plans together. He says he was embarrassed and worried I'd ask him to stop.

He apologized, but now I keep wondering what else I don't know. Am I overreacting, or do we need to resolve this before getting married?

My Response

When you ask whether you're overreacting, I think there's another question you might consider thinking about and exploring. Your fiancé wanted to help his family, but it sounds like he had difficulty standing firmly behind that decision because he feared how you might respond.

That may be more important than finding out what else he might be hiding. It makes sense that secrecy would make you suspicious, and start thinking, What else haven't you told me, and miss what is happening in plain sight: Can the two of you be honest when you know the other person may not like what you have to say?

Marriage can become a kind of crucible. It brings us face-to-face with the parts of ourselves that are difficult to confront. Can you accept and work with each other's differences?

For him, that may mean learning to stand his ground without hiding or accommodating. For you, that may mean asking yourself what happens when he makes a choice you strongly disagree with. Can he say no to you respectfully? Can you hear his no without trying to change it?

Of course, hiding the money was not respectful to you. But I would also be curious about what might have happened if he had been honest from the beginning. Could you have disagreed with his decision while allowing him to stand behind it? Could he have tolerated your disappointment without backing down, becoming defensive, or hiding?

Sometimes couples develop a pursue-and-accommodate pattern: one person pushes harder while the other gives in, avoids, or conceals. The work is for both people to step out of that pattern and be more differentiated, to communicate directly, be clear about their limits, and allow the other person to have a different position without trying to force an outcome.