Dear Therapist: My Estranged Mother Wants a Fresh Start, but I'm Still Hurt by the Past

The Letter

Dear Therapist,

My mother and I haven't spoken in years. When I got engaged, she reached out and said she wanted to come to the wedding. She told me it could be a fresh start for us.

Part of me wants her there. I've imagined her seeing me get married, and I know I would feel her absence. But when I tried to talk about why we stopped speaking, she said we should leave the past behind and focus on the happy occasion.

I'm afraid that inviting her would mean acting as though nothing happened, while not inviting her might close the door on a relationship I still hope we could have.

Can I welcome her to my wedding without pretending our relationship is fixed?

My Response

For your mother, a fresh start may mean leaving the past behind. For you, it may mean addressing the past before you can move forward. Those are different ideas of what repair means, and inviting her to your wedding does not mean you have to agree with hers.

You could tell her, "I would like you to be part of my wedding. I would also feel closer to you if we could talk about what led to years of silence. That conversation would mean a lot to me." It's an invitation to move closer, but you cannot make her accept it. Ultimately it is her decision if she wants to move closer.

I'm curious what attending the wedding would mean to her. Does she see showing up as a way of acknowledging what happened, even if she cannot talk about it yet? Is that how she typically handles conflicts?

Understanding her perspective might help you decide what her presence would mean to you. You can welcome her on your wedding day and things don't need to be resolved.

We can get stuck in our ideas about how repair should happen and become certain that our way is the right one. Yet each of us may experience the same conflict differently. Understanding what repair means to both of you could give you more clarity about how to move forward with more flexibility and ease that can transform how you see relationships.