Dear Therapist: I Want to Reconcile with My Mother, but She Still Won't Acknowledge the Past

The Letter

Dear Therapist,

My mother and I have barely spoken for a few years. Growing up, she was critical and unpredictable. When I tried telling her how this affected me, she denied it or said I was too sensitive.

A few weeks ago, she said she misses me and wants to reconcile. But she still refuses to acknowledge what happened and says we should leave the past behind.

I do miss her, but I'm afraid reconnecting means pretending that my pain wasn't real. Can we have a real relationship if she won't acknowledge how she hurt me?

My Response

You can have a relationship with your mother even if she never fully acknowledges how she hurt you. But the question remains: What kind of relationship can you have, and what will it require from you?

Her acknowledgment clearly means a great deal to you. You can be honest about what happened, explain why recognizing your pain matters, and ask for acknowledgment without demanding it. At the same time, can you become curious about why she may be unwilling or unable to offer it? Is her resistance coming from malice, shame, defensiveness, lack of understanding of what you mean or difficulty facing the impact of her behavior? Knowing the answers to these questions may allow you to better interact with her.

The work then becomes trusting your own experience without needing her acknowledgment to make it valid. Can you soothe your own pain, hold on to what you know, and remain grounded when she remembers the past differently?

You may be able to reconcile, but her capacity to understand and take responsibility will likely determine the depth of the relationship. That part belongs to her, and you cannot make her confront what she is unwilling to face. You can, however, take responsibility for your part of the relational dynamic: caring for your pain and showing up in a way that reflects how you want to be with her.

You do not have to deny your pain to reconnect, nor do you have to force her to validate it. You can decide what level of closeness allows you to remain honest without losing yourself in the process.