Dear Therapist: I Want to Date, But I Love My Alone Time

The Letter

Dear Therapist,

After my divorce, I took a few years off from dating. I moved into a small place near my sister in Minneapolis, made new friends, and settled into routines that feel entirely my own. Lately, I've started to miss having a partner. But when I imagine dating again, I worry about losing the freedom and peace of my solitude. How do I make room for a relationship while preserving my alone time?

My Response

You want to date, and you also want to preserve the things you enjoy about your life right now. Dating would likely change how you spend some of your time, but you don't need to plan ahead of time how much alone time a future relationship would allow.

I'm curious what your alone time means to you. Does it give you rest, allow you to feel free, or live without having to consider someone else? And what feels difficult about having less of it? The act of naming those worries may help you get more clarity, and navigate dating more effectively.

You could approach dating as an experience rather than a commitment to a different life. Savor what you enjoy, what feels uncomfortable, and how much time together feels right for you. If you connect with someone, you can talk about this and learn what it's like to make room for both closeness and solitude. This is a paradox you'll keep navigating, especially if you decide to get into a relationship or keep dating.