Dear Therapist, I Love My Partner, but Something Feels Missing

The Letter

Dear Therapist,

I've been with my boyfriend for five years. He's kind, reliable, and my best friend, but lately I don't feel excited about our relationship anymore. And recently, I met someone who made me feel a spark I haven't felt in years.

Nothing happened, but now I'm questioning everything. I am not sure what to do.

My response

Feelings come and go, and that's part of any relationship. You say you feel like something is missing, but you're not quite sure what it is. Now you're wondering what that means for your relationship and asking yourself, “Is this it?”

I think there's a lot you can do here. Start by being honest with your partner about what you're experiencing. It might be difficult, but standing firmly in who you are and showing that person to your partner can create a certain magic. It can turn a small spark into a fire.

When you are grounded in yourself, you're saying, “I can be myself, be different from you, have my own direction, and still connect with you.” You become less dependent on your partner's approval and start showing up as more yourself. Of course there is something quite outrageously beautiful about this. Honoring your separateness can bring mystery and energy back into the relationship, a sense of aliveness.

Maybe then return to what connected you in the first place.

Was it dancing, listening to the music, moving to the beat, and enjoying the push-and-pull between you? Or was it going out together, eating good food, laughing with each other, and not wanting the night to end?

Try something outside your usual routine. Take some risks together, create new experiences, and see what happens.