Dear Therapist: His Choices Worry Me, and I am Having Trouble Desiring Him

The Letter

Dear Therapist,

My partner has been experimenting with substances in ways that worry me. When I express concern, he accuses me of controlling him, and I feel more like his parent than his partner. This dynamic has also left me feeling disconnected and without much desire for intimacy.

How can I be honest about how his choices affect me without taking responsibility for his life?

My Response

At the heart of differentiation is developing a solid sense of self and, perhaps more than anything, being honest with yourself. You are responsible for your behavior, but you are not responsible for your partner's choices.

Still, it may be helpful to ask what you are doing that contributes to this parent-child dynamic. If you feel responsible for monitoring him, correcting his behavior, or protecting him from the consequences of his decisions, it makes sense that desire and intimacy have begun to disappear. It is hard to desire someone when you feel as though you have become their parent.

I would encourage you to consider what specifically worries you about his substance use. How does it affect you and the relationship? What are your limits? What are you willing and unwilling to live with?

This is not about controlling him and more about being truthful with your own self. He gets to decide what matters to him and how he wants to live.

You get to decide what is acceptable to you and how you will respond when his choices affect your life.

Sometimes, when we are frightened by another person's behavior, we try to manage our anxiety by lecturing, monitoring, or pressuring them.

Although understandable, this can feel suffocating to other people and may reinforce the very dynamic you want to change. How can you care for your anxiety without making him responsible for relieving it? And how can you express your concerns directly without demanding a particular outcome or shaming him?

Ultimately, he will make his own decisions. Your task is to speak honestly about how those decisions affect you and to remain grounded in your values. I wonder if the path back toward intimacy and desire is more truthful with your own self and being able to be clear about your own limits without trying to change him in the process. Ultimately, he can decide for himself, and you can use that as information for yourself.