Dear Therapist: My Mother-in-Law Has a Key to Our House, and I Want the Key Back

The Letter

Dear Therapist,

My mother-in-law has a key to our house and sometimes lets herself in without calling. My husband thinks it's completely normal because his family has always been close.

I feel like I can't fully relax in my own home. He says asking for the key back would deeply hurt her. What should I do?

My Response

It sounds like you really want the key back and want his mother to stop coming into your home randomly. This is one of those occasions where you can repeat your request and be very clear about why you want the key back and why her coming in unexpectedly makes you uncomfortable.

For your husband, his mother having the key may represent closeness. For you, her having the key actually interferes with that closeness. So perhaps the conversation is not about whether you want a close relationship with his mother, but about what you want to keep that closeness. Having privacy in your own home could help prevent you from developing resentment toward her.

From there, you can discuss how to ask for the key back in a way that is caring and not unnecessarily hurtful to his mother. You obviously can't force your husband to get the key from her, but you can help him understand how the situation affects you and make clear that your request isn't about rejecting his family.

This conversation may be less about who is right and more about developing mutual understanding and coming up with a plan that respects your need for privacy, his desire for closeness with his mother, and his mother's feelings without allowing her feelings to determine what happens in your home.