Dear Therapist: My Husband Uses My Fear of Losing Our Family

The Letter

Dear Therapist,

My husband had an affair, but whenever I ask questions about it, he says that continuing to investigate will destroy and ruin our family dynamic. He knows I grew up in a divorced household and would do almost anything to keep our children’s family intact.

Am I damaging our marriage by wanting answers from him?

My Response

It sounds like your husband is refusing to take accountability for his behavior and be honest and transparent about what happened. He knows how deeply you fear losing your family. By suggesting that your questions will destroy the family, he is touching that fear in a way that deflects attention from his actions and shifts responsibility onto you.

You ask whether seeking answers is damaging your marriage, but I’m not sure that is the right question. Perhaps asking difficult questions and holding him accountable could threaten the marriage. But you might ask yourself: Is a marriage without honesty, transparency, and accountability the kind of marriage you want to keep? Are you willing to let this go solely for the sake of being in marriage?

I cannot answer that question for you. However, there may be value in separating your fear of losing the marriage from your desire to have a healthy family. Sometimes, the fear of losing your family can keep you from confronting what prevents you from having the kind of family and relationships you want.