Dear Therapist, My Husband had an affair years ago, and I am just beginning to process it.

The Letter

I recently found old messages on my husband’s phone and discovered that he had an affair several years ago. When I confronted him, he admitted that he intentionally kept it from me because the affair was already over and he was afraid that telling me would destroy our marriage.

He believes that it happened a long time ago and says that our marriage has been strong since then. For him, the affair is in the past. But for me, the betrayal just happened. I am also trying to process the fact that he hid it from me for years.

How can we repair our marriage even though I am just beginning to process this?

My Response

You ask an important question, but I think there may be an even more important one: Is your husband willing to take full responsibility and confront himself for what happened?

He intentionally hid the affair because he feared the truth might destroy the marriage. He may describe that decision as protecting you or protecting the relationship, but I also think that hiding protects him from the consequences of his actions. How you relate to him and see him would have been different if he was honest.

Repair requires more than saying that the affair ended years ago. It requires accountability and self-confrontation.

Is he able to take ownership of both the affair and the years of secrecy? Can he have an honest and difficult conversation with you even if he wants to say this was years ago.

For him, the affair may be in the past. For you, the betrayal is something new that alters how you see your experience with him.

The discovery may shatter your understanding of the years that followed and cause you to look at your marriage differently.

It is okay to have a difficult process especially after you just learned this, it is not something to be rushed.

Before wondering if marriage can be repaired, pay attention if he is willing to confront himself, be honest and take accountability for his behaviors.