Dear Therapist, My Husband Changed His Mind About Where We Would Live, A Relationship Scenario

The Letter

Dear Therapist,

My husband grew up in the Middle East, and we met when he was in graduate school in Michigan. When we got married, he agreed to stay here and was comfortable with that decision.

Now five years later, he wants to go back home, and is asking me to come back with him. I have no desire to go with him, even though I recognize that going back would mean a lot to him.

I realize that if I go with him I would be afraid to lose my independence, especially since I don't speak the language super well, and I am not sure if I would be able to continue my career. I know it means a lot to him, and that staying here would be a sacrifice for him. I am not sure what to do. If I ask him to stay, I feel he would be resentful, and if I decide to go with him it may mean a sacrifice on my part.

My Response

You do care about your husband, and it may not be a good idea to move with him, especially if it is not something you want to do, although ultimately it is your choice to make. This is a two-sided dilemma: neither of you will be fully satisfied with the other's decision. From my perspective, I find it may be easier for you to remain grounded in what is important to you and what you value, even if he does not appreciate your choice. He can then decide what he wants to do in response, rather than it being your sole decision.

When you got married, he made a commitment and said he was comfortable building a life in Michigan. He also likely understood that making a commitment to you meant living there with you, although his feelings about that could potentially change in the future. The same is true for you: when you agreed to be in a relationship together, you accepted that possibility, even if he reassured you that he wanted to stay here with you.

Circumstances can shift. However, it is his responsibility to confront his changing desires and take responsibility for the consequences of his decision, and the same thing goes for you. From my perspective, doing something you do not want to do is unlikely to serve the relationship because it stems from obligation rather than values. If he decides that he needs to return home, he can either try to find a creative solution or consider separation.

Otherwise, the price may be that one of you remains unhappy and feels trapped by the situation unless you are genuinely willing to give the move a try and see whether you can adapt to the new environment.

My reasoning for suggesting not doing something you don't want to do is more about agency. I view agency as the antidote to feeling trapped. It is about taking charge of your life, and doing things in alignment with your own values even if they are difficult.

On the other hand, there is also the idea of making sacrifices in service of a relationship, which I think can be a wonderful thing for couples to do for each other especially if it comes from a place of values. Yet, I do believe that a sacrifice made out of obligation tends to be quite distressing and narrowing. Even sacrifice is a choice, an important part of self-agency.

For a relationship to thrive, the couple needs to have agency over their lives and be willing to make choices based on their own values rather than out of a sense of obligation or the belief that they have to.